What They Dont Teach You At Business School

By Larry Chiang

After successfully gaming the three stages of admissions, it will be time to prep for "admit weekend". It's a time of celebration if you're part of the newly indoctrinated biz school class of 2011.  Fresh faces and glad hands are only part of the story. Here's the ugly underbelly: 12 GSBers you don't wanna meet...

 -1-  Bank-a-Palooza.  

Scoffs at the organic catered sandwiches Google brought in for their fluff panel/quasi mixer.  Misses delivered Ruths Chris, car service and a $60 manhattan burger.  He's working at 60% capacity and partying even lower.  Yes bank-a-pa-snooza, Palo Alto bores.

 -2-   My MBA is My Penis Extension.  

There are two videos of a gang member in LA.  One where he has a gun and one where he doesn't.  His physiology is day/night different because of the power the gun gives.  Truest test: what happens to gang-banger when he can't rely on the piece he's packing?!

 -3-  Undercover Hustler.  

Yeah, they go to class and do 12 projects on the side while also working for their old company.  Underneath the dress shirt and pants they are wearing full work out garb for the Arrillaga Family Center 3pm workout.

 -4-  Fresh In From Europe.  

Has goal during class discussion to enlighten 'zee dumm aMERicunns'.  They call it the "Old World" for a reason: less than 10% growth for over 10 years- true story.

 -5-  The Married.  

My MBA-is-a-vacation-from-my-family.  Only sees wife 1.0 and 2.5 kids 2.2x/month.  Scoffs at Sandals Vacation advertisements because zip code 94305 is all inclusive vacation too.

 -6-   Token Married Couple.

Married and doing GSB together.  How romantic and easy to poke fun at.  Major class eye rolls when she takes alpha role in overlapping discussion.  Had in the pre-nup who gets access to which alumni reunions to attend and which facebook friends will be exclusive.

-7-  My MBA is My Lottery Ticket.  

Truly shined right from admit weekend.  Sure, they were back-doored in, but they're springboarding now.  Maybe has a social cause but rooms glow and radiate with them in it.  Darnit, I need a social cause too!

 -8- Brainiac Hottie.  

She's stunning at year end black tie event and even mistaken as someone's 'plus one'.  Hides it day-to-day cuz good looks = less credibility. 

 EQ > IQ > 180 . 

Single.  Yes single.  Why?! Smart hot women with a '11 GSB make men turtle.

 -9-   The Aberration.  

Wears cowboy garb even though he's from Santa Clara, California.  Actually plays a varsity sport called Football.  Had two years of eligibility carry over from Michigan.  Safety?, half back? or special teams back-up?... nope- starting lineman for Jim Harbaugh (plays both ways but doesn't start on offense. The more you know the less you believe).  Freak. New Goal; go work for him if your ego can take the beta/gamma fe/male status.

 -10-  Engineer Girl.  

Starts off year #1 slow --too much analysis.  Take that game theory and apply it to something other than product management.  Knows every woman CEO on a 1st name basis.  Blossoms back end of 2nd year (after 3 year relationship took 10 months to shut down for good and 6 months to heal).

 -11-  The Dual Admit.  

Was admitted to HBS and even went to THEIR admit weekend. Has the "I-didn't-know-myself-until-the-last-minute--cra-a-zy" attitude.  No, not crazy. Cliche.  Your claim to fame will always be your dual admit.  Instead, smarten up and DDSS by lying about ever having been accepted into Harvard. HBS stands for Harvard Business School. DDSS stands for dumb it down, sandbag for success and is explained as point #5 in my "Man-Charm" post.

 -12-  Procrastinator Lucky Boy.

So lucky that he'd applied third round and wound up with a defaulter's scholarship too. Sooo back door approved that he's VIP front door. (Very much like Lottery Ticket Lucy who is a combination of #8, #7 and #1)

 ** Contest for fame and fortune **
 Match each of the above with each of the below

 -A- is EIR  @ Charles River Ventures (EIR = Entrepreneur in Residence)
 -B- used to model in LA but still has her 617 cell
 -C- on paper = thumbs up.  In person :-(
 -D- speaks better English than Berkeley boy but has been in country all of two months
 -E- will get a job for less money after business school
 -F- went for MRS degree but now can't get l.a.i.d.
 -G- is jealous of Facebook profile of Founders Fund Sean Parker and his 12 undergrad affiliations
 -H- no profiling skills / common sense and cannot Character Compass. Would only recognize an ex-con in jail garb orange.

 ** extra Extra credit **
 Submit a #13 or Tweet Back at me, @larrychiang the way @fva and @lockbox did. Tweet this post